"Brigehead at Qa'dara."

Written and Directed by:
Paul Burton.
Fiction by: Paul Burton and (mostly) Anthony Hummerston.
STARRING:

Karnov,   Jimmi,   Niall,   Rojic,    Ta'alan,  Mama
And special guest stars:
Hen3ry , Joe-9T, Trio and 'Blinkie.'
as the droids.

AND a cameo from:

'Crashy' Their L.A.A.T. dropship.

“Briefing at fifteen hundred.” Niall reminds Karnov.

“Fifteen hundred? But the briefing room only holds fifty or so.”

“No. Fifteen hundred –that’s the time. –Stupid!”

Karnov back-pedals. “I knew that!”

Niall walks along the walkway to the workshop of Storm Cutter and reminds Mama, Ta’alan and Rojic, who are busy stripping guns on the table.

“Briefing at fifteen hundred. –that’s five minutes. Time to get a move-on.”

The three ignore him. He reminds them at two minutes to go. “Coming?”

“To what?”

“To the briefing?”

“Uh-huh. Um….No.”

“No.”

“No?”

“No!”

“No?”

“No.”

“Let’s not start all that again.” Niall sighs.

“What?” Rojic says.

Niall counts back from ten. “To the briefing. The important military briefing, to which we are going to be late!”

“No you are going to be late.”

“But….” Niall starts to say.

“But nothing! You misunderstand. You are going to the military briefing. We are staying here on the ship. It’s a military thing and we are not military, therefore we are not going.”

Niall protests. “But I’m going to need Mama to pilot the ship, and Rojic to fix it again after it crashes and….”

It is Mama’s turn to interrupt, “I don’t always crash!”

“Er….One from one so far. –Not a great record.”

Mama is defensive, “Well there was a lot of flak coming from outside….And from the co-pilot’s seat as well as I recall.”

Karnov shoots a look at Niall and taps at her wrist to indicate the time. The two Jedi turn to go. Niall says, “Of course at times of war, the military is entitled to seize property, -especially civilian property- to aid in the war effort. –Ships, guns, equipment…. Actually, directive two-two-one allows for press ganging non-combatants into support duties on the front lines.…”

The three civilians don’t move. Karnov adds, “We might have to eat all the free garibaldi biscuits ourselves….”

They all arrive at the briefing only a minute late. Admiral Kardashala frowns at them, but resumes the briefing.

“We need to establish several bridgeheads on Qa’dara.” She says, “It’s the breadbasket of the sector. Our heavy equipment is engaged elsewhere. We need to secure agricultural lands already in the hands of the separatists. There is infantry support armour available to your squads.”

Admiral Kardashala turns to one side. “Master Masari Junn, please.” Master Junn steps from the wings. There is a perceptible groan from Karnov. If master Junn hears it, he doesn’t let on. He glowers at Karnov and switches on a holo-table.

“We will split our forces,” He says, “I will command a squad to take Mal Agua, the largest city and the site of the grain storage facilities. From there I will co-ordinate attacks from the command bunker. –Resistance in the city is expected to be light.”

This raises eyebrows among our heroes.

Junn continues, “The other squads will secure strategic farmsteads around the city. Commander Killian and his team are to secure the river crossing here at Esputa. It is on a strategic bridge over the river. Your orders are to capture and secure Esputa. The harvest is due in and this bridge will be vital for its success. At the moment we cannot spare men and equipment to stage an airlift. Traffic will be by road until the harvest is gathered. A company of clones is being made available for deployment around the city.”

Karnov whispers to Niall, “How many in a company?”

“Well, they say that two’s company, but three’s a crowd.”

“Two!” Karnov can’t quite believe it. “Two! Two clones!”

“Dismissed.” Junn orders. The clone commanders troop out. Junn waves the crew of Storm Cutter over to the holo-table. Without saying hello, he starts pointing out parts of the map displayed. “You’ll land your L.A.A.T. ships at these co-ordinates here, here and here. Then proceed on foot to the bridge. There may be as many as three platoons of droids, including super battle droids, droid commanders and….” Karnov interrupts. “This should be a piece of cake. –Walk in the park.-Easy as pie- A walkover.”

“AND….” Junn says cutting off Karnov’s idioms, “-And gun crews.”

“Gun crews?” Why are there gun crews?”

“To man the air defence guns.”

There is a stunned silence.

“The guns that you weren’t going to mention...?”

Master Junn is dismissive. “No. Because you are infantry. The guns pose no threat.”

“Not to you! All safe and warm inside the command bunker!” Rojic says with feeling.

“No threat to infantry. –You are infantry therefore no threat to you.” Master Junn reiterates. The others remain silent with their thoughts.

“Now,” Junn continues, “Be at your drop ships in fifty minutes.” He turns to leave.

“Drop ships….” Jimmi says. “-And anti-aircraft guns….Here we go again!”

“Here you go again.” Mama says, “See you after the battle…..Rojic?”

“Yes?”

“Game of cards while they’re away playing soldiers?”

“You bet!”

“Brandy? Cigars?”

“Yup?”

“We could invite some girls over from Ryloth…..Play strip sabacc….-And maybe end up in the sack….”

“Sounds good to me….Let me put on my four other jackets first.”

Niall coughs to punctuate his next comment. “Ahem! Order two-two-one…..”

Mama and Rojic stop their chatter. “Okay! Okay!” Rojic growls.

Master Junn steers Karnov away to have a private word. Seeing their need for privacy, Ta’alan stage whispers, “It’s okay! We need to explain the landing co-ordinates to Jimmi anyway. A holo-projection is all just a blur in the force.”

Niall follows Ta’alan’s lead. “-And I have to explain something to Mama.”

“Oh, what’s that?”

“When we say ‘landing co-ordinates,’” Niall explains, “In your case we mean ‘crash site!’”

Mama is immediately on the defensive. “Well if they make landing craft out of balsa wood and tinfoil….”

Master Junn and Karnov exchange views. It is not a pleasant sound. The others have an attack of curiosity and edge closer to find out what is being said. Junn is speaking with some passion. “So I utterly reject your taking on a padawan.” Junn is sayng, almost boiling over with anger.

Karnov is defensive. “I do believe that it is a master’s choice alone as to the selection of their student.”

“She’s right you know….” Rojic says, fluttering above the two Jedi.

“Who said that?” Junn demands.

“Me.” Rojic says, “Up here above your eye line.”

“Beneath my contempt!” Junn sneers at him.

Niall is tiring of all this infighting. “Rojic, time to dump your waste!” He commands.

Master Junn sneers. “He doesn’t have it in him.” He says, and stalks off, -which is quite true, both literally and figuratively.

Karnov turns to find a short Sullustan waiting for her. He extends a hand, and introduces himself as Ull Unum. “I’m your new padawan, Master.”

Karnov is a little flustered. She leads the little man away. “It’s customary to give a Jedi’s bow on meeting.” She tells him.

Niall turns to Jimmi. “I reckon that after a week, Karnov will have him running errands while the rest of us take pot shots at the little fella.”

Jimmi agrees, “She is so much a product of Master Junn’s tutelage!”

An hour later there is screaming. Mama is running at full throttle across the wheat fields. –Running the L.A.A.T drop ship that is. The words ‘Mama’ and ‘run’ rarely have anything to do with one-another! Jimmi is trying to sing a rousing song. It isn’t working. Jimmi changes tack. “Nice fields of wheat.”

“What?”

“Not what!” Jimmi yells above the screaming engines. “Wheat!”

“What?”

“Wheat.… Lots of wheat.… Fields of wheat.… A tremendous amount of wheat.”

“Eh?”

“Yellow wheat. Red wheat. Wheat with feathers…. Cream of wheat!” Jimmi continues.

“-And all this is for clone fodder?”

“You are what you wheat!” Jimmi says with an enormous grin.

Mama throttles back a bit. The engine note dies down to a more controlled gargle.

“Put him out someone. Preferably just before the combine harvester goes over!”

Jimmi is undeterred. "Ah to die before the harvest! Wheat! Wheat! All there is in life is wheat. Fields of wheat, shredded wheat, cream of wheat….A tremendous amount of wheat!"

“I think I prefer the engines screaming, Mrs. R.” Niall says to his co-pilot. Mama agrees. Soon they are barrelling along and brushing the tips of the wheat with their ears. – No that’s not right! Brushing the ears of wheat with their tips. –Um….. Well you get the picture. Their altitude is about thirty-five inches off the ground.

“What I can’t understand,” Mama says to Niall, “Is why the separatist army needs wheat. –After all, they’re droids -and droids don’t eat wheat.”

Niall shrugs. “I dunno. I’m a soldier. I go to new planets, meet people and shoot them. I don’t ask too many questions. I like a quiet life….” At this point, anti aircraft guns start shooting bolts of plasma at the ship, forcing Mama to jink alarmingly.

“I can crunch the numbers and find a better approach vector.” Rojic informs the crew. Just then, the screen pops and a familiar blue hue can be seen.

Star Wars Blue Screen of Death (certain death?) - Translation below....

This is followed by several choice words in various languages. Rojic pounds on the display to no avail. He risks a look out of the doors. The wind whistles past him alarmingly. He fancies that he can see the river and the crossing.

“About a click to the crash site!” Rojic relays from the safety of his harness. “Only minimal anti-aircraft fire…..” Just then a blaster bolt slams into the windshield and blows a hole in it. Another shreds the starboard engine and the pilots struggle to gain height. “Thanks Rojic!” Niall yells. “Why not let Jimmi do the spotting? –While you sing!”

“I can sing….Take me with you….” Jimmi pleads.

“Actually can you sing ‘Far Away?’”

“How does it start?” Jimmi asks, not realising the joke.

“It starts with a journey….A very long journey!”

There is no time for singing as four auto cannons spit plasma at the vessel. It is all that Mama and Niall can do to keep it in the air. “Try to keep the landing gear intact.” Rojic calls out over the sound of the guns.

“I could land it upside down if you like!” Mama shouts back. Shots slam into the fuselage, giving the clones a taste of enemy fire. “Five hundred meters to the bridge….Two fifty.” Rojic counts down. A direct hit slams into the hull, the controls fry and the craft dips for a final time, slamming into the wheat and the ground and coming to rest after a bumpy slide. Black smoke pours out of the cockpit panels. Niall and Mama drag one another clear as the clones disembark into the cover of the wheat.

“A whole planet to land on and I get to within two hundred meters of the bridge.” Mama gasps at Niall.

Jimmi is still in a joking mood. “I guess you don’t work for Ryanair!”

The landing craft is in the lee of a small rise, giving them moderate shelter from the small arms fire coming from the separatist forces. Niall divides the squad in two and heads out on the right hand flank with Mama and fifteen clones. Karnov leads the others along the left, where small trees offer some soft cover.

Rojic keeps flying low behind a line of clones. “The enemy couldn’t hit a Bantha at this range!” He says, just as a shot hits the clone standing next to him. “Eeek!” Rojic gulps. Karnov leads the charge, with Ull right behind her. “Hurry up!” She yells to the clones, but they are weighed down with heavy armour and cannot keep pace. A blaster bolt comes straight for for Ull, “Keep behind me!” Karnov advises. “Yes master….Only….Let me at ‘em!” Ull steps to one side as another shot comes his way. Karnov acts on complete instinct and deflects the shot. The bolt is swatted back to where it came, killing a droid. The clones come up behind them, shooting carefully. They manage to kill two of the gunners on the anti aircraft guns. Niall’s squad are making for a depression in the terrain, where a medium sized pond has been dug. The sloping sides offer better cover than open ground. His clones take out another gun crew and two more droids. In the distance, they can see that a squad of clones has made it to the other side of the bridge and is in an intense firefight between the farm buildings. Niall manages to snap off two shots and take out two droids. His clones fire rapidly, but two die in the process. A super battle droid is pinning them down.

Superdry Super droid - Fresh from the droid polisher as well!

“Superdroids!”

“Did you say superdry?”

“No.”

“Sure?”

“Yes?”

Starman rolls to one side. Through sustained fire, he manages to get off a long burst. The super battle droid is reduced to super shiny scrap salvage. Mama follows suit and manages to take down the one remaining member of the gun crew. “That’s for shooting my ship from under me!” She yells at the dead man. Karnov deflects two more blaster bolts, and fells two more droids. They are not destroyed, but are certainly out of the fight. Meanwhile, on the other side of the river, the squad of clones have managed to clear the farmyard and they take cover in the barns. More droids approach the bridge but are gunned down. Karnov leads her clones into the cover of the trees at their maximum speed. They fire on the run and despatch more droids in the process. Rojic flaps at their backs using them as cover. He manages to snap off two shots, blinding one droid and destroying another. “Aw! I wanted that one for scrap too!”

Jimmi is shooting carefully and methodically, picking off the gun crews. “No force in the galaxy can stop me!” Niall and Mama advance again, making gaps in the droid defences. The other gun emplacement is desperately trying to depress the gun low enough to fire upon the clones. As the barrel dips, there is a familiar clanking noise, and the sound of a heavy cannon shot. The gun emplacement explodes, as an AT-TE armoured walker emerges from the left flank. With only the loss of another clone, the platoon mops up all the resistance. Karnov and Niall check the buildings and barns around the farm and find a dozen or so civilians hiding in one. They escort them to the safety of the sturdiest building and reassure them that they are here to protect them.

Starman starts issuing orders. “Secure the area. We are here to hold the bridge. Someone try and tune into the separatists frequency. Chalky and Flash, see to the wounded. Bigman, take a team and bring in our fallen brothers. Eyes, you’re on scouting detail. Take Bigears and Jaks with you.”

The clones all respond well, fanning out to do their duties. Our heroes take stock.

“Eight clones dead.”

“A painful loss.”

“But it could have been a lot more. Lucky our armour turned up when it did.”

“True. –But if the clankers counter-attack we might need it.”

“Any more tanks around?”

“A couple managed to deploy, but their dropships were a bit off course. By the time they wander on over, it could be too late.”

“Any sign of the others, Ta’alan and Joe?”

“As far as I know they made it into the wheat fields further west, but we lost contact after our own dropship did the big firework.”

Mama objects, “It did not ‘do the big firework!’ It was merely a controlled landing under intense fire….”

“Why don’t we fly Storm Cutter into combat next time? The armour is several magnitudes better, and the guns could be devastating.”

“Well, I had thought of that, but I also thought that I don’t want to put the old bird under fire unless strictly necessary. So long as the Republic navy is supplying us with dropships, then I’m happy to use them.”

“What’s up? Afraid to scratch the paint?”

“What paint? Most of the outside is carbon scoring!”

There is a lull. Ull asks, “What happens next?”

“It’s kinda like Huttball. There’s a big scrap, and plenty of people die, and then we have a little break for little slices of orange; a team talk and a breather. Then we change ends and the gratuitous violence starts again.”

“Oh I see.”

“I like Huttball.” Mama says.

“Me too. Did you know that they used to use a Toydarian’s head as the ball?”

“Sometimes with the Toydarian still attached!” Jimmi adds, observing Karnov’s new padawan.

“No! That’s not possible!” Ull says, wide eyed in disbelief.

“Okay we’ll prove it. Oh, Rojic!”

“What?” Says a gruff voice from Rojic.

“We want to prove a scientific theory.”

“We may have to leave it to later, 'coz here come the clankers….”

“Damn war! Always spoiling our fun!”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Footnotes:

Translation of BSOD:

ROTHANA HEAVY ENGINEERING

AN ERROR HAS OCCURRED!

PRESS ENTER TO RESET FLIGHT TELEMETRY.

PRESS CRESH + AUREK + DORN TO RESTART

YOUR L.A.A.T.

YOU WILL LOSE ANY UNSAVED FLIGHTPLAN

AND WILL NEED TO BRACE FOR IMPACT.

ERROR TYPE: MILITARY HARDWARE SUPPLIED

BY LOWEST BIDDING CONTRACTOR.

WARNING: COMPUTER CRASH IS INEVITABLY

FOLLOWED BY ACTUAL VESSEL CRASH!